Anger

Anger is the clue.

When you feel angry it is because someone is using power on you.

Anger is the emotion of encroachment. It is the thing we feel when someone is trying to take away our choice.

It is not always that way. We are not naturally angry beasts. It is just another method we learn for using power.

As infants we learn anger.

A child who misbehaves eventually wears down the patience of even the most loving parent. And in pushing the parent too far, that parent will be angry. The parent feels encroached upon. The child is taking away their ability to be happy. That happiness may take the form of quiet calmness. It may be a television program that Dad wants to watch. It may be a book Mom is trying to read. It can be an interrupted phone call, nap or task. The parent wants to continue what they were doing. The parent needs to continue. Often they are doing something that must be done. It may be something they have always wanted to do. It may be a pastime they are attached to. But requirement, desire or attachment, the need of the parent is being hindered by the child. And as a result they are angry.

The child is using power. Their ability to hinder the parents' choice to continue with their desired activity is in itself power. And at some level the child knows this. They have come to expect, through the "cause and effect" habits of their life, that certain sounds or behaviors on their part, get the parents' attention and hence some required reaction from the parent. Control or influence or seduction, the child is using it. The parent, by responding to a crying child, a coughing child, a whining child, a silent child, a funny child, is teaching the child about power. Unconsciously. Not deliberately. Not directly. But if it isn't power, what is it?

The child now knows how to control and influence the parents behavior.

And in throwing a pillow or spilling a cup or making a funny noise, they use their ability to hinder mom or dad's ability to do what they want. Eventually this wears thin. Eventually Mom and Dad react in anger.

And with that fury, induced by a power dynamic, they will respond to the child's ill actions with an angry facial expression and harsh words. That sharp reaction and a shout represent an ability to hinder the child's need.

The first few times the child experiences this anger, they react with fear and tears. Why? Because of the most base of needs. In this harsh attack of the angry parent, is an implied threat. A threat to the child's wellbeing. Infants need to feel safe. They have the requirements, like every living thing, of survival and the avoidance of pain.

An angry look from our parents always means, "Stop it, or else."

Or else....

And it works. Almost instantaneously the child's behavior changes and mom and dad get their way. Their needs or desires get to be fulfilled and the child chooses to stop the bad behavior. The Choice of the child is controlled.

The ability of the parent to threaten the child, overcomes the child's ability to interfere with the parents desire.

The child experiences their first power struggle.

Prior to that time, they always win power Dynamics. Parents get out of bed in the middle of the night instead of continuing with their rest. The parent turns off the TV and picks up the child. The meal is interrupted and the child's needs are met. Up to this point the child has had the invariable ability to get the parent to succumb to their power.

Then one day it ends. It ends with a blast of anger.

But the child continues to learn.

They have now been taught how to use anger, and its implied threat, to get a reaction and influence behavior.

I remember standing in the cereal isle of the grocery store. Going through that weekly negotiation regarding the sugar and toy content of our imminent purchase. And in response to my arbitrary decision to buy on the basis of nutrition rather than taste, I was told by an angry three year old- "You buy these Fruit Loops and you better buy them right now!"

Just like an emperor of a kingdom. Like a master of power. Furrowed brow and all.

My how we learn to use power.

Anger tells us someone is using power over us. It then provides us with a possible ability to create power for ourselves.

Anger and power.

They're sisters of the same parent - need.

The Model 

The Feelings of Power

Do you feel it?

Do you feel like your life is out of control?
Do you feel like your boss, your friends and even your family are always trying to get you do what they want?
Do you feel like others – politicians, corporate big shots, media personalities - are the ones who decide what happens in this world?
Do you feel like what you want doesn’t matter to anyone?

Do you feel those angry feelings of Control, Influence and Seduction?
Do you feel like you are being pushed, pulled and pointed in different directions?

This is Power.

Power is about Choice.

It is about others’ ability to Control, Influence and Seduce the Choices you make. The Choices you make everyday in and about your life. They get this ability to control your Choice from you. They get the ability to Control, Influence and Seduce you from the Source of Power.

The Source of the Power against you is within you.

The Source of their Power is your Need.

They use your Needs to manipulate your Choices.

This is Power.

If this is your life, and you want to do something about it,
On Having Power.