Letter from Wendy - Conclusion

I want to thank you again Wendy for such a cool question...
So where did I leave off? The explanation of the process of power.


People have needs. In our numerous needs lie the potential for power. Power requires need. Where there is no need, there is no power.

Or as I like to say, you can’t bribe a rich man.

Only when the Subject perceives that the Actor has an ability to help or hinder them in the satisfaction of a need will the Subject be willing to make a choice in favor of the Actor.

So… back to semantics… what do we mean by need? And what do we mean by ability?

The concept of needs has been discussed by every psychological school in history. Each has made a contribution. I have found that the most meaningful ideas about needs have come from the Humanists.  I have found that while one pursues an understanding of power there is more to be gained by examining needs than there is by examing the people who seem to have power.

I think there is a more meaningful approach to needs. This is because needs, like power, are experienced.
As such, they are subjective in nature. So we must consider needs from a subjective point of view if we are going to be able to use them for power.

We could say that needs exist on a spectrum of “absolutely-must-have-it” to “it-would-be-nice to have it.”

You might suggest that there is a big difference between need and want. And I agree. But I would like to distinguish this spectrum with two general categories rather than a long list of graduated synonyms. I think we can characterize them well as Requirements and Desires. You can draw the line between them based on your experience.

Requirements are the things we believe we must have. Desires are the things we want but, to some degree, can do without for a while.

But this does not complete the list of power producing needs. For on the list we must include the things we have and do not want to lose. We will call these needs - Attachments. We can be attached to people, things and ideas. Each of these has its own potency.

We experience our wide range of “needs” as Requirements, Desires and Attachments. And every Requirement, Desire or Attachment is a Source of Power for an Actor should they want to control, influence or seduce a choice we will make.

That’s right. I said Source. This is where the power comes from. Power does not come from the ability. I may have the ability to help you or hinder you with any number of power mechanisms. But if you do not have the need that corresponds to my ability, I will be unable to invoke in you an experience of control, influence or seduction.

You can’t bribe a rich man.

I can be big and strong with guns and tanks, and if you are not afraid to die, then I cannot control what you choose to do, say or think.

I can be as rich as Bill Gates, but if you have all the money you want, I cannot buy your choice.

I can be sexy as Megan Fox and Ryan Reynolds put together, but if you do not want sex and romance I have no power to seduce you.

I can control all of the information in the world, but if you don’t need it, or you already have it, I can’t use it to influence your choices.

So Wendy, you did not need your colleague’s approval and she had no ability to affect the way the boss thought of you, so she had no ability to gain your submission to her illusory authority.

The source of the Actor’s power is in the need of the Subject. If the Subject has a requirement, a desire or an attachment that the Actor can positively or negatively affect, then they may be able to create in the Subject a fear, anger or excitement sufficient to control, influence or seduce a choice the Subject is about to make.

But when there is no need, there is no power.

You went to the Professor and asked if your colleague was in charge. He said not. He did not want to even engage in the discussion. Therefore there was no ability to positively or negatively affect your need of approval from the Professor. So you saw through the illusion of her power and it failed. She was unable to control, influence or seduce your choices.

She supposed that her longer term as a TA and her favorable standing provided her with the Professor’s authority. She assumed that every TA desired to be considered highly by the Professor. She thought she had the ability to help or hinder that desire. She anticipated that your future opportunity and success would be contingent on the Professor’s recommendation. She thought she had the ability to influence that recommendation. She thought she could determine your success or failure.

If she had actually possessed that ability, I am sure you would have complied with her demands. You would have had a significant experience of power and would have commenced a long semester of choices dictated by her authority.

From the time she first tried to impose her will, until you had received from the professor a clear message that she had no authority, you experienced power. The anxiety, frustration and anger were the emotional aspects of your experience of power.

She assumed that her past experience with the professor gave her a greater credibility with him. She assumed that her friendship with the professor gave her the greater intimacy to ensure her hierarchical position above you. She assumed you would simply acquiesce to her superior relationship with him knowing that she would have greater influence with him.

However she over estimated her relationship with him. She thought she had an ability that she did not have. For a short while you thought she might have such an ability which is why you temporarily succumbed.

Her presumption came from a past experience with the professor – not from you.

Often we assume things about the people we try to use power on. Typically we see people as being similar to us and wanting many of the same things. We are usually correct in those kinds of assumptions. Her presumption was that you were like her - you wanted career success that would be controlled by the professor. She assumed she had influence with the professor. She wanted to be the first one considered for opportunities. She assumed you wanted to be at the front of that line as well. It was not so much about what you did or said that encouraged her to make the assumption, but how she interpreted the situation and assumed you were like her in your goals. It was how she perceived ( incorrectly) your needs.

It wasn't that you invited the power. The dynamic you were in was filled with needs and ambitions. The dynamic you were in lead her to assume that your ambitions were the same as yours.

So don't see the situation as created by you. Consider and examine anything you may have said or done that could be interpreted by her as showing a desire. That is what she focused on (probably unconsciously) in interpreting your needs and trying to use them for power.

Having broken down the dynamic to discover the process of power, I encourage you to go further. It would be useful in the future to recognize in this scenario a few of the horrible side effects of power dynamics.

First, when power is played successfully against us, our first instinct is to see the other as powerful and see ourselves as flawed. You ask me what you might have done to encourage her bossy-ness. She simply interpreted a situation incorrectly. But I think any of us might have made the same assumptions. You did nothing to encourage this.

Unfortunately in academic circles the competition is fierce and the politics are played hard from the instant you meet. Her experience made her aware of this and she was ready to play the game before you even came on to the scene.

But your resentment is palpable. Even in that short period of time there was enough power to create ill will between you. You discovered what I consider to be one of the most important insights about power.

Power destroys trust.

When people use power they erode the relationship. They reveal their intention – that they are willing to use your needs against you to get what they want. When someone uses our needs against us, for their gain, we never see them the same way again. We resent it. We condemn it. We see it as corruption.

We should have a long chat about corruption.

So many relationships end because of power struggles. The trust is lost. After that, there is not much to the relationship.

And all these relationships end because of the second great insight – power dynamics never end.

Never. Never ever.

Once power enters a relationship, it will come around again. No one ever allows themselves to be a Subject without the intention to be an Actor when the opportunity arises.

Now you took the time to investigate the assertion of her ability to impact your need for success and opportunity. You found out it was unfounded. The other two women did not. They were willing to be powerless. They perceived your colleagues suggestion that she was in change as a valid ability. They complied from the beginning with out resistance and as such were victims of power.

As a college professor who sees young people everyday, I have true concerns about a generation that demonstrates such a willing compliance to even the most subtle forms of power. They see themselves as being powerless in a power-based world. They exist without the ability to change the dynamics. These two other TAs behaved as such. They were defeated characters from the moment power was introduced. It is a shame. Had they operated with you as a unit against the power dynamic of the colleague, you would have seen a very different dynamic. Given their passiveness, you could have recruited them to your side and used them as mechanisms against her.

To your credit, you did not do this.

However is this not what government does? Is this not what terrorist recruiters do? Is this not what happens to our Generation Y all the time? Someone with a goal finds someone who feels that they are powerless to fulfill their own needs without the help of those in authority. Then that authority is exploited for an agenda completely unrelated to the original reason authority was given.

I think there is great value in seeing through power.

When you see that power is an illusory experience in which one's needs are used against them to compel them to make choices that support the Actor's goals - then we act instead of react. We take back choice.

Choice never goes away.
There is no such thing as powerless.
Control is an illusion. The only thing we control is how we respond to the situation before us.



As Edmund Burke said:

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.

Wendy's Question - Part Two

So we were talking about Wendy’s question…

A moderately recent example of a power play from another person happened about 5 years ago when I first started graduate school and was a TA. I was 35 years old, and a fellow TA who was good friends with the professor was in her early 20s. She seemed overtly overconfident and gave the rest of us on the team orders which the other two TAs accepted meekly. (both were close to her age--one was a friend her age, one was an international student in her mid 20s.) I answered her back and got a dirty look, and ignored her command from then on. I was never told she was in charge, the prof was overtly hands off because he didn't want to be bothered, and I had no support from the other two TAs who were meekly willing to take orders from this girl. So I pretty much acted alone most of that semester, and the professor told us at the end of the semester how disappointed he was with us as a team. (no thanks to him.) I was flatly puzzled by the assumption this young lady made about the power she just assumed she had over her coworkers.
I would like to know any thoughts you have about the power scenario I described above. My question: Where does that kind of presumption come from? Was there anything in my personal demeanor or conduct which might have encouraged someone else to act "bossy" towards me?

In the first post we recognized that most people begin their education in power from a position of powerlessness. We discussed the terminology and tried to create a semantic common ground. Let’s move on from there…

Power is an experience that takes place during a process between people or groups of people. This process has a very specific target - Choice.

We use power to impact what the other person is about to say, think or do. This process is targeted at Choice. We use power to get another to choose to say, think or do something that helps us accomplish our goal.

Life is not lived in increments of time. It is not measured moment by moment. Time is something we experience. Time is an illusion. Real life is measured not minute by minute but choice by choice. We live our lives in increments of choice. Even when we live by habit and ignore the opportunity to make choices, they are (whether we make them or not) choices. Hence, when we are busy making many choices and are engaged in life, time seems to go by quickly. When we are otherwise ignoring our potential choices and living by habit, we are painfully aware of time and it travels slowly.

The purpose of power is to affect the choices that others make. Actors use the experience of power to control, influence or seduce a choice the Subject is about to make.

Power is an experience. Like a dream is an experience. Like a movie is an experience. Like reading this blog is an experience. And it is an experience that is no more real than a dream or a movie or a blog.

But again I am getting ahead of myself.

Now that we are clear about our semantics and we are aware of the purpose of power, we need to examine how power works.

This is where abilities come into the picture. It is why we confuse power with ability.

The experience of control, influence or seduction is created when the Actor applies an ability to help or hinder a need of the Subject to create in them an emotional response of fear, anger or excitement. The emotion stimulates a response. If the power is played well the response serves the purpose of the Actor. The Subject makes the desired choice and the use of power has succeeded. If, however, power is played badly so that the emotional response does not generate the desired choice, then it has failed.

Power is a mechanical process. It is as simple as a “click – whirr” as Robert Cialdini points out in his book Influence. But it is played as a dynamic game between people and often it is played badly and fails. We can see many power “failures” in history – from the fall of the Roman Empire to the seduction of Monica Lewinsky. But even when it fails to inspire the desired choice, it is still power.

Wendy, I think you would agree, that in all aspects of your situation with your colleague, power was played badly and nobody got what they wanted. Though I am of the opinion, as the power dynamic played out, the only thing any of you wanted was to make sure that the other person didn’t get what they wanted.

This is very common. Don’t feel badly. Don’t see yourself as incompetent with power. In fact, your story suggests otherwise. The failure in your power is not simply with the way you played it. Even knowing power, as well as I do, I often fail in my attempt to play it. That is because there is a fundamental flaw in the process itself.

Power is an experience. And like most experiences, it is an illusion.

Choice never goes away. Even when we feel like we are being controlled, in truth, the choice never goes away. We can still choose to ignore the feeling of power. We can choose to go against the direction of the power. It takes strength - sometimes courage - but we often see through the illusion.

Because power is such a common experience in our lives we have become somewhat desensitized to it. We have learned how to unconsciously defuse it - just as you saw through your colleague’s lack of real authority. You knew that in the end she had no more sway with your boss than you did. You knew she was not really in charge. You knew that you could still make a choice. So you simply chose to ignore her. And as such, her power disappeared like an illusion.

When power works it is because we have been overwhelmed by an emotion of fear, anger or excitement. We have been lead to a particular choice because we feel our need so intensely that we cannot overcome the experience of power. That is when the choice being pursued is achieved.

But your colleague did not have the ability to get the boss to support her. In fact he made it clear that he would not support her authority. She did not have the ability she needed to influence your choices. Power failed.

So where am I leading you? - to an understanding of the process of power.

Final explanations tomorrow…

A letter from Wendy

Hey all
It's time I started blogging again. My hope is that you will send me questions and comments to give me some interesting new ideas to blog about. Recently I got this email from Wendy:

I have been intrigued by questions about interpersonal power since I was about 10 or so and started noticing peer pressure--my influence on peers and theirs on each other. I was stubborn and resisted peer pressure when I was aware of it but was not always successful and gave in sometimes. As I got older I found myself having less and less influence with others (where I used to have a lot) and found myself the target of nitpicky criticism and rudeness and verbal abuse I couldn't seem to put a stop to. (mostly from peers, some from authority figures.) I didn't start having any real trouble with authority figures until my late teens and early 20s-- and even then over petty things. Authority figures just weren't as automatically nice to me as they had been when I was a kid. As a young adult, I really felt a lack of power: I was socially rather isolated and felt like I had to placate my peers, and had meaner bosses than ever before, and had a fear of losing a job, and i had no other means of support. This was hard to deal with as I had formed aspirations of pursuing political or professional power while I was growing up, and i found I had no platform to start from whatsoever.



My scenario: Question to follow


A moderately recent example of a power play from another person happened about 5 years ago when I first started graduate school and was a TA. I was 35 years old, and a fellow TA who was good friends with the professor was in her early 20s. She seemed overtly overconfident and gave the rest of us on the team orders which the other two TAs accepted meekly. (both were close to her age--one was a friend her age, one was an international student in her mid 20s.) I answered her back and got a dirty look, and ignored her command from then on. I was never told she was in charge, the prof was overtly hands off because he didn't want to be bothered, and I had no support from the other two TAs who were meekly willing to take orders from this girl. So I pretty much acted alone most of that semester, and the professor told us at the end of the semester how disappointed he was with us as a team. (no thanks to him.) I was flatly puzzled by the assumption this young lady made about the power she just assumed she had over her coworkers.

I would like to know any thoughts you have about the power scenario I described above. My question: Where does that kind of presumption come from? Was there anything in my personal demeanor or conduct which might have encouraged someone else to act "bossy" towards me?

Wendy from New York

Wendy: Thank you so much for your email. :)

I hope to start blogging regularly again and the best way to pick a topic to blog about is through questions from interested people. You have provided me with a dandy question. It will let me address your experience from a number of perspectives. It will let me reveal a number of insights.

Many people become fascinated with the idea of power and the interpersonal dynamics of control, influence and seduction. For me, it has been a lifelong obsession. I have spent great amounts of time analyzing my experiences and clarifying my thoughts. Some of my friends and family think I have spent too much time on this one idea. 

As a college professor I have been able to share these ideas with hundreds of students who seem to find my course on power to be life changing. So I consider myself lucky to indulge my obsession while responding to your interesting question.

The quest to understand this thing we call power often begins with triggering events. Usually such an event leaves us feeling powerless. Deep down we feel that we are not in control of our life. We feel like someone else has too much influence over us. We feel angry, afraid or confused. We hate this feeling.

The idea that we do not control our lives is hard to accept. The result is often despair and a sense of incompetence – worthlessness - emptiness. Although sometimes the feelings are not so intense, they are nonetheless of the same vibration and we question our own ability.

It is amazing how power finds its way into our lives.

Your story reflects just such an event. Your colleague tried to take control. You tried to take it back. Neither of you got the recognition you hoped for and the situation was left unsatisfied.

I am going to suggest to you that power dynamics always work out this way in the end.
But I am getting ahead of myself.

I think there are fundamentals that we need to cover before we get into the analysis. Once the fundamentals are understood, the analysis comes easy. Easy, but never simple. 

First let us be clear about the people involved. There are individuals or groups of people who try to use power for their benefit. For simplicity we will call them Actors. Actors will use power to impact a particular person or group of people. We will call such a mark, the Subject. No one is always an Actor or a Subject. We waffle back and forth between the roles all the time. And, as I will explain, we are usually both Actor and Subject at the same time in a power dynamic. But let’s use these names for our players as we try to describe the dynamic.


Actors use power for a reason. They always have an agenda. There is something that they want or need. It is the pursuit of this need that drives them to look to the Subject for satisfaction.

I have always said that power is the way we change a human being into a tool to be used for a purpose. I really like the words of Ekhart Tolle in his book the Power of Now.

Power is the process by which we reduce a person to a means to an end rather than an end in themselves.

We need to open up to the idea that Power is not a thing. Nor is it an event. Power is not an ability. Power is a mechanical process which attempts to create an experience.

The experience we attempt to create in another person is one of control, influence or seduction. Many people like to see these experiences as different. But I suggest, we create these experiences using the same technique and they should be considered different experiences of the same thing – power.

Now we have to deal with semantics.
We need to use words in similar ways with common meanings so we can move this discussion forward.

People like the idea of power. They consider every action to be personal power. But we must differentiate between power and ability. They are deeply related but they are distinct and should not be confused.

To have power is not the same as to have an ability. We like to think we have the power to walk out of the room or the power to stop reading this blog. But that is not power. That is ability. Power always implies and includes another person or persons. Abilities are personal and are part of what we can do. Abilities have a role to play in power. I will explain it shortly. But power – that is the experience of control, influence or seduction - is something someone tries to create in someone else.
Now I suppose you can use the words any way you want. We all like to think of ourselves as powerful. We all like to see power as a part of who we are. But my desire is to change this horrendous meme. I think not recognizing the difference between power and ability leads to confusion. More important, it makes being a Subject all the more upsetting.

I believe that this confusion makes it hard to answer a very simple question: is power a good thing or a bad thing? But once again, I am ahead of my self…

...a little more tomorrow...