It is spring. And with spring comes both expected and unexpected changes into our household.
The winter semester has ended and my children are scheduled to return home from college and university. Bedrooms that have been vacant for eight months – other than a “visit” at Xmas - are now being used again. With the use of the bedroom comes a delightful package of meals, laundry, television and apparently unlimited access to a computer in Dad’s office to check your email whenever you feel the need. Even if Dad has to get started writing for the day. Good deal.
When two or more of such beloved offspring return home within the same short span one’s household experiences changes. Changes in routine. Changes in habits.
Habits. Do you realize how important habits are to you? How integral they are to daily survival. How significant they are to your ability to accomplish what little you can in a day?
We need habits.
Oops - I talked about needs – you can see where I am going now….can’t you?
But let me finish…
To add to the subtle yet considerable change, is the steady maturation of a teenage son who, though he has never stopped living with us in 16 years, has changed the way he lives with us - quite a bit. He now stays up after we are in bed – doing whatever it is he does. He insists on having his allowance before Friday night arrives. He comes home anytime before or after supper depending on when his friends eat supper. (Why they can’t go home when he has supper is one of my favorite questions.) He doesn’t ask for supper yet he is grateful when a plate is on the table just in case. Of course from time to time I scrape that plate into the waste because he didn’t show.
Of late, as the weather and his hormones have changed (Spring Fever – new girlfriend – super-hottie) he has decided that he wants – for the first time in 10 years of school - to pack his lunch.
As his parent I am thrilled to see him eat better. I am thrilled that he wants to be healthy. I am thrilled to see him stay at school during lunch and not be late for fourth period every day. Yet when he wants to leisurely make that lunch during the same morning time that I have used to make his little brother’s lunch everyday for the past 5 years – and he happens to use the last of the cold meat and the last of the cheese and the last of fruit snacks - you might see how my daily habits are… modified. And I must modify them as an exercise in improv – without warning and on the fly.
You might recognize an undertone of anger in my words.
Oops I said anger – now you must know what I am talking about.
So let me be clear – I love my kids. I love seeing my son be more responsible with his health and I love it when my son and daughter come home and hang out for a few days.
However, these changes in my life have crystallized a deep and powerful insight.
I love my habits. I need my habits. I am not very good at changing my habits without warning and I don’t like it when I do.
Of course because I understand how power works and I understand how to turn the power dynamic into depowerment, I see my need for habits as my weakness that makes me vulnerable to power.
Yes I am weak. My habit is to get up. Make coffee. Go wake up my nine year old son. Go to the kitchen make his lunch and my wife’s lunch. Pour the coffee. Take a coffee to my wife. Bring my son to the kitchen and make his breakfast. Go with my coffee to my office and begin my day’s writing.
So when my older son is in the kitchen inspired to make a lunch, I have to wait. When I pour the coffee and my daughter wants one too (luckily I made extra just in case) and she beats me to my computer – well my heart begins to feel a little frustrated anger.
And anger is a sign of power…
So the analysis ensues. What is my need? What is their need? What are my choices?
And I acquire a couple of lessons on power. First the obvious based on the analysis.
People need habits. They are essential. So they are a source of power. Anything that impacts those habits can be a mechanism of power.
Habits are about not making choices. Habits are about freeing us from having to make choices. Habits are choices already made. So interfering with habits has the effect of controlling or influencing our choices. It is simply because the regular choice can no longer be made.
Now the subtle.
Power does not have to be intentional.
Having your choices changed because of someone else is power. Power is not about the actor it is about the subject in everyway. It is about the subject because it is the subject’s choice that is impacted. It is about the subject because power is a feeling. It is an emotion in the subject that causes them to consider and make other choices than they would but for the power. Power is about the subject because what creates the power is the subject’s need. The actor’s ability, without the subject’s need, does not create power. So although many of us use power intentionally and can be very good at it most of the time, the truth is so much power is not used but arises nonetheless. All that matters is that the subject experienced it.
Power is an experience.
Now the most important…
There is no such thing as a relationship without power. To live in proximity to others means that there will be power. Because there will always be needs and there is no way to keep others from intentionally or unintentionally having an impact on those needs.
To love others is to willingly subject yourself to their power.
There are two things you can try to do in relationships that you want to have but seem to have too much power in them.
Learn to be flexible. Today my children unknowingly taught me about power. I had a choice. I could have turned it into a power dynamic or I could see it as power that was not planned and without malice. I could see it as some of the necessary power in my life. I could see it as a lesson. I could bend with the wind and become more flexible. Simple but not easy.
They don’t even know I was bothered - or that I am writing this.
The other solution is much harder…like flexibility isn’t hard enough.
Take your relationships beyond expectations and desires…
That might be true love.
Unfortunately I am no better at that one than any of you. I suffer with it every day. Like today. All I can offer you is what has been told to me and what I recognize as truth.
We must try to get outside the “self” we have created and be what we are in our essence.
Walking the path with all those we are intrinsically connected to.
I think they call that compassion.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
If you are reading this....
I would love to have your thoughts or comments. Just click "Comment" below and let me know. Or visit onhavingpower.com and send me an email...
Thanks
Les
Thanks
Les
The pursuit of power
Inside me is a little man. A little man who drives this bus but does not know where it is going. He wants to the in charge. He wants to be a great bus driver. But he is not. He cannot be a great bus driver because he hasn’t the slightest clue where he is headed. Yes he can keep the bus on the road. He follows all the rules and he doesn’t crash into things – unless he wants to. Sometimes he wants to. He wants to because he wants people to notice what a great bus driver he is.
He has many habits that are upsetting. When he finds another bus driver on the road he tends to consider them inferior. Not because they are. But because he sees himself as inferior and needs someone to be below him. He can’t stand the thought that he’s the worst. Of course he doesn’t realize that there are no great or terrible bus drivers. They are all the same. They just drive the bus. They don’t get to decide where it is going. They don’t get to decide what is important. They just drive.
The bus driver wants to think that his bus is bigger and better than all the others. No, as you would expect, it is not. His bus is so similar to all the other buses that it is hard to tell one from another. Even if one has a bigger tank or another has more seats, they are all just buses. They are just Buses. That is good enough. But he doesn’t think so. And that is what pushes him to pretend.
The bus driver thinks that since they do all this driving that they should be able to decide the rules of the road and who should cover which routes. But he is just a bus driver like all the others who together cover all the routes necessary. Because he doesn’t see all the routes or all the other drivers he thinks that there are problems. He likes to criticize. He likes to find fault. But he doesn’t see the combination of the whole so he can’t see how he is wrong. The only real problem is that he doesn’t see the whole route map or all the other buses. If he did he would know there are no routes uncovered. And everyone has all they need. Yet he sits behind his wheel complaining and telling those on his bus how the bus system is inadequate.
Silly guy.
When he comes to a four way stop he always thinks he is the only one who knows what to do. The other drivers are treated like they are stupid. He makes the rules up and then thinks that they are the best. Then he uses his simple idea to judge the merits of the other bus drivers at the stop. He doesn’t realize that the stop is there for a reason. And that reason is accomplished by the fact that everyone stops. The important word here is not rules. It is stop. Too bad the bus driver doesn’t get it.
The roads are all connected. The routes all come together. The needs are all taken care of. There is lots of gas for everyone. There are enough routes that we can go anywhere.
I wish the bus driver would just drive the bus.
This is how I see people and their pursuit of power. I wish we would all just drive our bus.
He has many habits that are upsetting. When he finds another bus driver on the road he tends to consider them inferior. Not because they are. But because he sees himself as inferior and needs someone to be below him. He can’t stand the thought that he’s the worst. Of course he doesn’t realize that there are no great or terrible bus drivers. They are all the same. They just drive the bus. They don’t get to decide where it is going. They don’t get to decide what is important. They just drive.
The bus driver wants to think that his bus is bigger and better than all the others. No, as you would expect, it is not. His bus is so similar to all the other buses that it is hard to tell one from another. Even if one has a bigger tank or another has more seats, they are all just buses. They are just Buses. That is good enough. But he doesn’t think so. And that is what pushes him to pretend.
The bus driver thinks that since they do all this driving that they should be able to decide the rules of the road and who should cover which routes. But he is just a bus driver like all the others who together cover all the routes necessary. Because he doesn’t see all the routes or all the other drivers he thinks that there are problems. He likes to criticize. He likes to find fault. But he doesn’t see the combination of the whole so he can’t see how he is wrong. The only real problem is that he doesn’t see the whole route map or all the other buses. If he did he would know there are no routes uncovered. And everyone has all they need. Yet he sits behind his wheel complaining and telling those on his bus how the bus system is inadequate.
Silly guy.
When he comes to a four way stop he always thinks he is the only one who knows what to do. The other drivers are treated like they are stupid. He makes the rules up and then thinks that they are the best. Then he uses his simple idea to judge the merits of the other bus drivers at the stop. He doesn’t realize that the stop is there for a reason. And that reason is accomplished by the fact that everyone stops. The important word here is not rules. It is stop. Too bad the bus driver doesn’t get it.
The roads are all connected. The routes all come together. The needs are all taken care of. There is lots of gas for everyone. There are enough routes that we can go anywhere.
I wish the bus driver would just drive the bus.
This is how I see people and their pursuit of power. I wish we would all just drive our bus.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The first secret of power
I was looking for this quote from Herodotus –
“Some men give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; While others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than ever before.”
When I found this one…
“Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing.”
And this one…
“Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.”
The truth is as old as the hills. We have known the truth about power forever. However, very few have known how to use it. Fewer have the ability necessary to use it. That ability is self control. This is a truly important secret.
Understanding cause and effect is the only way to understand power. It is a bit of a paradox that the first lesson in power is that we control nothing. Control is an illusion. But without that lesson we continue in our search for power by looking at powerful people thinking that they have some ability to control others. Some ability we need to attain. Some ability that we never seem to understand much less possess.
But when you accept, this obviously ancient truth, that control does not exist, then you begin to see the process that creates power. The process of self control.
The only thing you control is what you do right now. The only thing you control is how you respond to the circumstances before you. That is how powerful people have power. They control their response. They control their response to the people around them. They give them what they want. They promise what they want. They tell them what they want to hear. There actions are a response to the people they want to have some control or influence over.
Nothing else can be controlled. The rest is the effect of all the causes and conditions that have culminated in the result you see and hear. As Herodotus said, we do not control circumstances. But we will control ourselves within them, and use them, and thus appear to HAVE power.
It’s just an illusion.
“Some men give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; While others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than ever before.”
When I found this one…
“Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing.”
And this one…
“Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.”
The truth is as old as the hills. We have known the truth about power forever. However, very few have known how to use it. Fewer have the ability necessary to use it. That ability is self control. This is a truly important secret.
Understanding cause and effect is the only way to understand power. It is a bit of a paradox that the first lesson in power is that we control nothing. Control is an illusion. But without that lesson we continue in our search for power by looking at powerful people thinking that they have some ability to control others. Some ability we need to attain. Some ability that we never seem to understand much less possess.
But when you accept, this obviously ancient truth, that control does not exist, then you begin to see the process that creates power. The process of self control.
The only thing you control is what you do right now. The only thing you control is how you respond to the circumstances before you. That is how powerful people have power. They control their response. They control their response to the people around them. They give them what they want. They promise what they want. They tell them what they want to hear. There actions are a response to the people they want to have some control or influence over.
Nothing else can be controlled. The rest is the effect of all the causes and conditions that have culminated in the result you see and hear. As Herodotus said, we do not control circumstances. But we will control ourselves within them, and use them, and thus appear to HAVE power.
It’s just an illusion.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Self
Power is the thing that feeds the self.
It is what delivers that intoxicating sense that you are right and the world is wrong. It creates an overbearing distinct individuality. It is the source and rresult of all conflict. conflict we create to create an illusion. The illusion is that we are more important than all others
We want power because it separates us from each other.
More important though is the fact that it turns those we are living with into the tools we use to obtain our desires. People become a means rather than an end.
When you understand that power does not work without need. Then you see that power is the exploitation of others needs to obtain what we want to build our self. To endorse and create an individual being above all others.
How can we see power as good when it only works because we reduce others to objects we use for our satisfaction? Power turns people into things.
It doesn't matter if you use it for good. It fundamentally reflects a lack of understanding of the nature of our reality.
It is what delivers that intoxicating sense that you are right and the world is wrong. It creates an overbearing distinct individuality. It is the source and rresult of all conflict. conflict we create to create an illusion. The illusion is that we are more important than all others
We want power because it separates us from each other.
More important though is the fact that it turns those we are living with into the tools we use to obtain our desires. People become a means rather than an end.
When you understand that power does not work without need. Then you see that power is the exploitation of others needs to obtain what we want to build our self. To endorse and create an individual being above all others.
How can we see power as good when it only works because we reduce others to objects we use for our satisfaction? Power turns people into things.
It doesn't matter if you use it for good. It fundamentally reflects a lack of understanding of the nature of our reality.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Parable on Power
Whenever I find myself thinking that power can be a good thing or that having power may be a good strategy, I remember two things...
First - once power is in play it is hard to control.
Second - I will always have needs, so there will always be someone with more power.
Here is an old fable about a Deer and a Tiger and a man with the power to kill.
The mountains were splendid.
But Wu Tang didn't care a whit for scenery.
He and his son spent a lot of time hunting in these mountains. Wu Tang was a dead shot with his bow and arrow. He never missed. He was such a good shot that he barely had to aim. He just picked a target, pulled his bow, and shot it down. No animal was quick enough or agile enough to escape his arrows.
"Look, over there, a little fawn!"
A little fawn must be one of the most adorable animals in nature, but Wu Tang wasn't in the mountains to admire nature. As soon as he spotted it, he whipped an arrow out of his quiver and zoom! The fawn fell over dead.
Then Wu noticed its mother a few feet away in the grass. He couldn't get a good shot at her from his angle, so he waited.
She was terribly sad about her little baby! She let out a cry as she started licking her baby's wounds. Just as she was concentrating on that, Wu pulled off a quick shot and the mother deer died on the spot.
But that wasn't enough for Wu.
He thought there might be more deer in the area, because he heard something rustling around in the grass. There was at least one more in there, maybe two.
"Three deer is better than two," he thought, as he prepared.
Then he located the source of the sound and shot at a shadow in the grass. He was proud to hear the sound of another dead body falling to the ground, but his pride turned to anguish when he heard a groan!
"Deer don't groan like that! That was a human voice!"
Wu rushed over and saw that his third shot had killed not a deer, but his own son, who had come out hunting with him!
Wu was stupefied. He seemed to hear a voice telling him, "Wu Tang! Now do you now what it is like to see your baby shot to death with an arrow? Animals love their young as much as you do. How much anguish have you caused animal parents!"
Wu stood there, numb, too heartbroken to pay attention to a sound that came from the side.
Then in a flash he realized that the other animal he had heard in the grass was not a deer, but a tiger! But he was too late ...
First - once power is in play it is hard to control.
Second - I will always have needs, so there will always be someone with more power.
Here is an old fable about a Deer and a Tiger and a man with the power to kill.
The mountains were splendid.
But Wu Tang didn't care a whit for scenery.
He and his son spent a lot of time hunting in these mountains. Wu Tang was a dead shot with his bow and arrow. He never missed. He was such a good shot that he barely had to aim. He just picked a target, pulled his bow, and shot it down. No animal was quick enough or agile enough to escape his arrows.
"Look, over there, a little fawn!"
A little fawn must be one of the most adorable animals in nature, but Wu Tang wasn't in the mountains to admire nature. As soon as he spotted it, he whipped an arrow out of his quiver and zoom! The fawn fell over dead.
Then Wu noticed its mother a few feet away in the grass. He couldn't get a good shot at her from his angle, so he waited.
She was terribly sad about her little baby! She let out a cry as she started licking her baby's wounds. Just as she was concentrating on that, Wu pulled off a quick shot and the mother deer died on the spot.
But that wasn't enough for Wu.
He thought there might be more deer in the area, because he heard something rustling around in the grass. There was at least one more in there, maybe two.
"Three deer is better than two," he thought, as he prepared.
Then he located the source of the sound and shot at a shadow in the grass. He was proud to hear the sound of another dead body falling to the ground, but his pride turned to anguish when he heard a groan!
"Deer don't groan like that! That was a human voice!"
Wu rushed over and saw that his third shot had killed not a deer, but his own son, who had come out hunting with him!
Wu was stupefied. He seemed to hear a voice telling him, "Wu Tang! Now do you now what it is like to see your baby shot to death with an arrow? Animals love their young as much as you do. How much anguish have you caused animal parents!"
Wu stood there, numb, too heartbroken to pay attention to a sound that came from the side.
Then in a flash he realized that the other animal he had heard in the grass was not a deer, but a tiger! But he was too late ...
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