Does knowing about power make you sad?

A student of mine asked me – actually a number of them have – does it make you happy or sad to know so much about power?

It seems that as my students begin to recognize the various power dynamics in their lives and take notice of who those power actors are, they become sad and upset. It seems that they weren’t aware of the amount of power that is involved in raising them, schooling them, protecting them and generally socializing them. They never thought that their own parents would use power over them.

More shocking however is when they recognize how much they use power over their friends and loved ones. It causes them to question themselves and ask themselves if they are bad. There is an instinctive reaction to power that most people have. Most of us are predisposed to see power as a bad thing. Not really clear why we see it that way, we are intuitively judgmental of it.

So when we discover we are an active frequent user of power we are taken back. We are even more surprised when we realize that in the past we have taken pride in our ability to stand up to others and manipulate the circumstance so that we are the victors in various battles of will.

And that is what it is really. It is a battle of will. The ability to overcome our own needs long enough to triumph over others.

Can we, within a BiPolar power dynamic, control our submission to our own needs enough to force the other to submit?

And this makes us wonder if we are bad people.

Not all power needs to be seen as bad.

My favorite harmless example was a drinking game my friends and I used to play.

We would choose our table at the pub close to the washrooms. Then we would all put $2 in the middle. On big nights it was $5. We ordered the first round of beers. We would only order the next round when everyone was finished the last. The last one to go to the washroom to pee won the money.

Usually Al would cave in first. He talked big at the beginning but he always said, once the tap is turned on there is no going back.

Although Frank would hang in there, he had more fun watching us suffer than winning the money so he would go after the third beer.

At this point we would start the posturing and positioning. We would smile and lie and poke at each other. We would tell really funny jokes to make the others wet their pants.

Paul wanted to win. But the strength of will aspects of this were the important thing to him. He was usually satisfied breaking his own personal record and off he went to the loo.

Steve and I would be left to go head to head. He was motivated not by any personal goal but by the desire to beat me. Anything to beat me. He’d try eating peanuts. He would try sitting in different positions. He would try standing up.

As soon as he started moving around I knew I had him.

All I had to do was convince him that I didn’t have to go yet. I would tell him that I hadn’t even begun to feel it yet. I would tell him not to hurt himself because I was probably good for another 45 minutes after I started feeling it and I wasn’t even there yet. So he should expect to have to hold it for another hour.

At this point Frank and Al and Paul would have gone three or four times and they would do their best to mock and play it up. Making fun and talking about ice cold swimming pools and warm baths, and how comfortable they were. They would want to order more beer and tell Steve and I to hurry up and drink up. Steve would have slowed down to a crawl by now.

Then I would do the nasty.

I told Steve it was time for a little chug a lug because I knew it wasn’t fair that I was not feeling it yet. – Bottoms Up!

Then Steve would start the name calling.

Finally he would utter some profanity and stand up to go to the washroom. The boys would cheer. Steve would shake my hand and head off to do his business.

I would let him go in the door and then count to twenty – they were the longest twenty seconds of my life. Just long enough to know he was already in progress.

And then I would run as fast as I could to the bathroom ready to explode.

Steve and I would stand side by side with him calling me names and angry that he fell for it again.

We would come out laughing. At this point the other tables around us knew what we were doing and we would get a cheer when we reemerged.

And no matter who won, the winner would use the money to buy another round.

Power can be fun.

I know it is hard to see how people manipulate and control each other. I know it is hard to see ourselves as people who would use someone’s needs as means to control them. I know that it is hard to see people in a positive light knowing that many have spent their lives pursuing power and wanting to have power over others.

I know that once you understand the process of power, it is hard to see past it.

But people just don’t know better. It is something we have done for so long.

And that is why it is time for a change. Time for an evolution. Time to become more. It is time to bring the age of power to an end and begin the age of compassion. So I offer you the understanding so that you might see through your reality to the truth and begin to do something about it. If once everyday you can choose to use compassion over power…

Well I think you have done a pretty good thing. I don’t expect much more of myself.

Am I sad?
No.
I am determined.

Hey Jesse

A short while ago a student wrote to me.
He posed these thoughts and asked me to respond.


Is it all about perspective?
People are afraid.
What do people fear? Death. Loneliness.
There is a strong urge for humans to belong to a group. Why?
I think everyone should live alone in the woods for a long while and think. Or not think at all.
Be alone and simply survive. Be very basic.
The closed people should do this.
Hell, I should do this.
I would like to.
What is stopping me?
Many things.

First I believe you are thinking many things at once.
In time you will start to separate these things out into independent ideas. You will start to find answers when you do.

But here are my thoughts...They may seem a little abstract...But here goes...

People need people.

We need each other for survival. There is too much work in a day to accomplish it all. We love our food, clothes, cars, music, art, movies, travel and comforts. They are not possible without the work of many others.

Our world has evolved into a society that divides up the work, sets a value to it - as defined in the market place - and rewards each of us accordingly. As a result we have gone from family units that divided labor by gender role - husband and boys work the fields and hunt, wife and girls gather and tend the home - to labor units - academics, corporate executives, farmers, retail workers, laborers, skilled laborers, police and law enforcement, military and defense, administration and government. Each group has its duties. All are so interdependent that survival is impossible without the contribution of all.

There are very few persons alive today who have the ability to grow their own food and make their own clothes and build their own shelter and protect themselves and keep themselves healthy and...Do all the things we need to do to enjoy the life we live in our cushy world.

We do not share without condition. We do not give each other the fruits of our skills without expecting something in return. We want all the things that we don't have and we need each other to have them. So we are placed in a situation where it is hard to see any alternative other than power.

Even I want to publish and get paid for sharing these ideas.

We use others needs as a means to fulfill our own needs. This is nothing but power - pure and simple.

We have more than physical needs.

We have emotional needs and spiritual needs.

Some of those are defined for us. Some are innate. To understand power we don't need to differentiate the socially constructed needs from the basic human ones. We just accept that they are present and operating. Because a need does not have to be right or correct or natural to be used effectively as power.

The spiritual needs lead us to concern ourselves with that part of us that existed prior to this life and will exist after this life is completed. We attend ourselves to the idea of meaning. What this life means. What we mean. What each experience we have means.

What is the purpose of our existence?

These are questions we are compelled to answer by our very nature. It takes a very strong willed person to avoid these questions all of their lives. Eventually we all ask them. Some of us will embrace them.

The emotional needs usually creep up on us. You can have everything you ever wanted in your physical life, but be lonely and sad. Although it is pretty tough to be ecstatic when you are poor, every rich person will tell you that money does not make you happy. We all want to be loved and appreciated for who we are - not just what we do or what we have.

Again, we can deny this. We can avoid this. But it seems to come to the surface eventually and we are forced to consider what it means. People need the love, affection and appreciation of other people. Both those close to us and those who are strangers to us.

These needs are real and they are used for power.

Sadly it seems that this use of power forms a significant part of our upbringing. We are socialized into this world by having to experience various manifestations of the old "Go Stand In the Corner" punishment. The time out. The go to your room. The No dessert for you. The You're grounded. The You're not my friend anymore. The I don't want you anymore. The You're fired.

All posing a threat of being alone.

Power.

Innate in us is the desire to be with others and be a successful part of the group. Belonging.

Maslow told us a lot about this.

But when you take these two ideas and put them together you create a dilemma which is hard to over come. When you combine the needs we have for other people with the differentiated labor market based society we live in you send a message to every individual. That message is - You better fit in or we won't let you stay and you will die. Play a role in this world - the way it is - or you don't belong with us and you will be outcast.

You must belong or you can't survive.

You can't survive physically. You can't survive emotionally. You can't survive spiritually.

Belong or else.

That is so hard for a baby to accept. Sleep when we sleep. Poop the way we poop. Eat what we eat. Be like us.

Teenagers suffer through. Be like us but be different from others. Be the same but be unique. To be unique often means to reject that which kept you safe for the first 14 years - your family.

Adults give up ideals and dreams. Go to work. Do the job. Bring the money home and make a house that others envy. Have nice lawn. Have a nice car. Have the toys that others envy. Be the same but be more and better than everyone else.

But we are all in the same boat. We are all suffering through the same life path. We are all alone and yet surrounded.

So we try to find some peace.

You will go quietly into a cool northern wilderness evening. And sit with yourself.

That is why prayer, meditation, quiet, resting is part of every religion this world has created.

Because when we sit alone quietly long enough we learn two things.

First - we are not alone. We are all together walking the path.

Second - life is an exhilarating experience that will be nothing more than what we make it.

Jealousy

Just the other day I was asked by a past student,

"Where does jealousy fit into all this power stuff?"

I tried to remind him that if he is feeling angry or fearful, that is usually an indication of Power at work.

Jealousy, I suppose, is some mixture of fear and anger. Fear that you don't have what you are looking for. Anger that something is being taken away from you. It is a feeling which motivates and creates feelings of control and influence. It makes us behave positively by acting out our love for another and expressing how much we want to be with them. It motivates us negatively because we cling and behave childishly.

If it is being used intentionally we can see how someone who seeks to have their partner express their love and need for them in elaborate or extreme terms can compel the other to act in a closer more expressive fashion.

If it is being used without a power intention - it is still power - but the other person may now be upset or offended by what appears to be a question or challenge to their fidelity and loyalty.

Intentional or not, there is a power dynamic going on.

Choice is being motivated by need.

Certainly we can see a need in play.

So ask that first question in the Method - "What is my need?"

At first blush we can see a need for love, attention, affection.

Maslow and the Humanists can help us here.

When we examine the feelings of fear and jealousy we see a need related to self esteem and self worth. Everyone wants to be special to someone. Everyone wants to have someone special to them.

We see the need related to security and safety. Everyone wants to be able to trust the love of those they love. Everyone wants to know that they are not at risk of their special someone choosing someone else.

We can see how the withdrawal of love or the ability to withdraw love can be forceful. Especially if we attach our own self worth to their choice to give or withhold attention. Why do we feel at risk when someone we love gives extra attention to another?

The Mechanism shows us more. The other partner has the ability to give their attention and love to anyone. They have the ability to reassure us that we are the principle player in their lives. They have the ability to withhold that assurance. Their decision to give their attentions to another combined with our need to know we are the apple of their eye creates a dissonance we see as power.

When we try to categorize the need, we see that our need has many aspects to it. We have the requirement to be loved. Add to that an attachment to our modern view of monogamy. Our attachment to the ideas which dictate how romantic relationships should be lived. And most of all, an attachment to another person. Attachments are very much about our view of how we and the world around us, are supposed to be.

We have the basic desire to be someone's special love. We may have the simple desire to be with that person. Spend time. Talk. Make love. Be together. That need is being challenged.

It may be complex in that we think that love must have attention and a clear statement of commitment.

It may be compounded by past experiences of lost loves. It may be compounded by the number of people who take our loved one away from us.

It may be competing with the love you have for others. It is very common for one spouse to be jealous of their own child's time with the other parent. For a child to be jealous of a sibling who is better able to gain the favor of a parent. You may still want the sibling to be loved but right now you want the attention. Your need for this attention and love competes with your desire that the others, who are robbing you of your share, get the attention they need.

In summary you can see the dynamic.

The other person (intentionally or not) is using your need (healthy or not) for their attention to motivate you to act in a way that captures their attention (in a good way or bad).

You can then ask - "What is their Need?"

If it is an unintentional application of power, maybe they need you to support their efforts in giving a child or other loved one the attention they need. Supporting them in spite of the way it makes you feel insecure and unloved. Supporting them in spite of the needs you are experiencing.

If it is an intentional use of power, maybe they need you to actively capture their attention because they are using jealousy to get your attention. Maybe they need to have you express your attachment to them because they are feeling their attachment to you. Maybe they too have a need just like yours related to self esteem and security. Maybe they are needing attention and affirmation and affection. All of this a combination of requirements and attachments.

Now seeing the needs you can ask - "What are my choices?"

You can comply - give them the love or support that you see them needing.

Do you see the value in asking about their needs? Do you see how the power dynamic is always bipolar and some of the best strategies for response will come from understanding the other's need. In some cases the application of power is not intentional. It is innocent and inadvertent. By examining their need you can see past your own feelings of control and influence and see the interplay of two sets of needs.

Even if it is intentional by seeing the other person a someone with needs that are motivating the behavior that creates power on you, you can see the child of their heart. You may decide that it is best for everyone if you just give in to the power you are feeling and comply with the wishes of the other.

This is the beginning of compassion.

Still you can resist. Knowing that the other has needs you can use them. If they are using power unintentionally you can still try to change their behavior.

You can play on their love for you. You can tell them how you should come first. You can play up your hurt and blame them for your ill feelings. They need to see themselves as loving people. They are attached to you and to that same world view of how "love should be." You can use their needs to grab their attention and love.

If the power is intentional you can play the same game back. You can test and see who needs who more. Use their need by refusing to give attention. Play it out that you not only don't need their attention but you can get all the attention you need elsewhere. You can use their needs against them. Withhold your love and insist that they come to you.

Maybe they will...

Be careful - remember power destroy trust. This is the fast track to a power-based untrusting relationship that will have to end for the good of both of you.

Finally you have the big choice - Withdrawal - depowerment.

Defer your need for gratification. I will get lots of love and attention later.

Displace - there are many fish in the sea. I am a great person who will find that someone out there loves me and will give me all the attention I need.

Deny - I am strong person who does not need others to tell me I am wanted. I am able to get the attention I need in a lot of ways from a lot of people. This situation does not matter.

Detach - I do not see my self-worth in the eyes of others. I do not need other people - I chose to enjoy them and have varying degrees of intimacy with many people. I do not need to act in the way other people act in relationships. I can conduct myself in my life view. I will be fine whether this person shows me attention or not. I can simply accept what love and attention they give me for what it is not what I think it should be.

Do you see the true power in depowerment? Do you see that happiness does not lie in our ability to control others but in our ability to control ourselves?

Jealousy like any other feeling of power is just a feeling. It is an illusion that exists in our own head. If we can overcome our need to be attached to someone else, then the power disappears.

Question Seven - The Hope

Q VII. WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

When we all can use Power equally,
It is no longer a viable way to succeed.

The remaining alternative is Collaboration.

Can we both get what we want?Can we work together in open honesty?"




Well this is where it actually gets hard.

Up to this point we have learned new insights about power. Do attain them you have had to rethink your reality. Power is not a characteristic of some person. It is a method of getting things done. It is a method that relies on Needs and Abilities.

Past definitions of power are all about Person A imposing their will upon Person B. Sometimes we focus our attention on the deliberateness of this imposition or domination. Sometimes we are more focused on the ability of Person A to define realities for Person B and thus make the domination more complete.

But always past definitions have focused on the power and success of Person A. As such our quest for power has always been to mimic the traits, possessions and actions of person A. We have seen power as something Person A has.

Person A however is not where the secret lies.

Person B has the Source of Power.

To learn about having Power you have been required to redirect your focus and redefine your terminology. In doing so you have discovered the Source of Power and understood how the Power Dynamic works.

I think you get it.

Our new definition of Power focuses on the Subject – just as the Actor does – and describes the experience. Power is nothing more than the application of a Mechanism by Person A to the Needs of Person B to in an attempt to Control, Influence or Seduce a Choice of Person B that is beneficial to Person A.

What is the Truth? Control is an Illusion. The Only thing we control is how we respond to the circumstances before us.

So what are they responding to? They are responding to the source of Power.

What is the Source of Power? The Source of Power is Need. But for the Need there is no Power.

How does it work? The Actor sees the Need of the Subject and applies a Mechanism of Power to the Need. This application creates a feeling of Motivation like Fear, Anger, or Excitement. These feelings lead to the experience of Control, Influence or Seduction of the Choice targeted by the Actor.

Why are they using Power? Because they have a Need that the Subject can satisfy. This Need is the Source of Power for the Subject. All Power Dynamics are BiPolar in nature. By exploiting the Need of the Actor the Subject can balance the Power Dynamic. By seeing the Dynamic for what it is you retain the ability to make a choice. Having Choice is having Power.

What are the Choices? Usually there are three basic choices that can be combined in any way you choose. Compliance, Resistance or Withdrawal. It may be in your best interest to simply comply. You can use the Power you have to renegotiate and resist. We often call this Empowerment. Or you can depower your Needs by denying them, deferring them, displacing them or detaching them. Depowerment is taking the Power out of your Needs and withdrawing from the circumstance.

So…where do we go from here?

Power is balanced. Power is equalized. The process of Power is understood and can be utilized by everyone.

Where do we go from here?

What would the world be like if everyone knew how to use Power?

A constant state of war? A complete stalemate?

When power doesn’t work anymore we are forced to consider new options.

It is the subtle secrecy of power that we deplore. It is the manipulative feeling that accompanies it that we find abhorrent. It is the way it destroys trust that ruins our future and guarantees that we will be trapped in Power Dynamics forever.

So don’t use it.

Depower your life.

Detach from those things that are transient. Release desires, because we are never really satisfied. Learn to control your requirements. Take control over your body. It is the only thing you really could control anyway.

When you have a good desire and you cannot attain it without someone’s help, ask for help.

Seek out collaboration. Work together in open honesty. Put the truth on the table and share.

Collaboration is the new way. In collaboration lies compassion. And that is what will save us.

Compassion is the opposite of Power.

Question Six

Hey all
Sorry, the college got busy and I haven’t been by to finish my thoughts.
So on to Question Six…

QVI. WHAT ARE MY CHOICES?

I can comply, resist or withdraw.
It may be best for me to comply.
Some relationships require that we comply.

I can Empower myself and resist the Dynamic.
I can create power for myself by using the BiPolar Nature of the Dynamic.
Having Empowered myself I can better negotiate.

I can Depower them and withdraw from the Dynamic.
By controlling my own needs I take the ability to use power away from them.
I can deny, defer or displace my requirements and desires.
I can detach from my attachments.
I can depower my needs.

I can combine these in anyway and create new Choices.
I have overcome.
I have Choices.
I can make a Choice.
I now have Power.



So question four and five have brought us to an understanding of the power dynamic we are subject to.

First we have needs that are being exploited by the Actor. We will always be subject to Requirements, Desires or Attachments that are complex, compounding and competing with each other. It is the defining character of human life. Any other person can see those needs and exploit them for the motivating power within them. Applying a mechanism – a simple ability to help or hinder those needs - will exacerbate the need and thus create a feeling of motivation - like fear, anger or excitement. As a result the Subject has an experience of Control, Influence or Seduction. It is a dynamic of power.

But that is only one half of the equation.

The reason the Actor has tried to use power, is that they have a need. They are in need of something. Maybe an action on your part. Maybe a few important words or thoughts. But whatever it is, the Actor has a need. And as with all needs, it can be utilized to create power.

All power dynamics have two sides to them. Power is always motivated by a need.

Needs are the source of all power.

So taking the time to examine the need being exploited for power over you, as well as the need which motivates the Actor to create the power dynamic, will allow you to have a complete picture of both sides of this BiPolar Power Dynamic.

Seeing it for what it is, always brings a sense of calm. What makes power so scary for most people is the almost magical effect it has. Breaking through old ideas of power to see the simple mechanical nature of it creates a feeling of ability. With the ability comes courage and determination.

Don’t use this new knowledge to start throwing your weight around. There is another step.

The purpose of power is to control, influence or seduce the choice of others.

To defeat power is to retain choice. To overcome power is to be able to make the choice you want for you, in spite of the power being exercised over, or at, you.

So before you make one – look at what they might be.

So – as you would expect – the next question is “What are my choices?”

Choices are broken into three options: compliance, resistance or withdrawal.

Sometimes it is in your own best interest to comply with the demands or wishes of the Actor. Although they may be trying to use power over you, and you have an adverse reaction to such a thing, it may be best for you to submit. The rewards that they offer in the power play may be exactly what you want, so why not comply? Really, why not?

Maybe the punishment is so harsh that you cannot bare it. Maybe complying is not so bad. Maybe the relationship is one full of this-for-that trade-offs. Maybe that’s just what is necessary to have such a relationship.

I had a wonderful dog. She was fun and beautiful and loyal. And every night at 3 am she had to go outside. It was just when she had to go. So either she suffered or I suffered. She would nuzzle her cold nose under the blankets and whine a little whine. It was the nature of my relationship with her that I had to comply. She had a need. I had a need. I could use it for power over her. Or I could accept that this was the relationship we had and to have it meant that, from time to time, I had to comply with her demands.

Sometimes compliance is the right choice.

However sometimes for good reasons - and for bad - we do not want to comply.

Knowing the power dynamic is bipolar creates the opportunity to resist. Using their need right back on them gives you the chance to negotiate the outcome.

Some call this resistance Empowerment. This is the taking back of power, or being given the power to resist the will of the Actor. Of course it is only true empowerment when it plays on the other’s need.

This is the nature of any negotiation. It is only because both sides have what each other want that either bothers to negotiate. And the sources of the power to demand such bargaining are the respective needs of the parties.

Resistance using the BiPolar nature of the power dynamic is often expected. As such it is acceptable and causes no harm. Bargaining in the marketplace is like that. Bargaining with your kids or parents is like that.

However sometimes it is not expected. In fact many people who use power do not understand this two-sided characteristic and find themselves in power plays that are actually balanced. As a result the situation demands their compliance as well as the compliance of the subject. This catches them off-guard and creates ill feelings.

It is in this process of negotiating - resisting using the other person’s need - that we begin to see the true problem with power.

Power destroys trust. When we use someone’s need as a tool against them, they seldom like us much. They usually see us as exploitative selfish manipulators. They see us as untrustworthy back-stabbers. Often the act of negotiation results in a loss of relationship. That is why all the books on negotiation focus on the idea of being impersonal and principle oriented. There is always the danger of ending the relationship when you use the other’s needs to get what you want.

Of course it appears that the options are pretty bad. I can comply – give in – submit. Sounds like the rest of my life…

Or I can get into a power struggle by resisting and using their needs. I will loose the relationship and make enemies.

There is a third choice.

This is one of those enormous things that flow from the insight of the source of power.

If the source of power is need, and the power I am experiencing is due to an ability applied to my need, what if I could control the need? What if I withdraw from the circumstance? What if I can deny my need? What if I can displace this need by accepting something else? What if I can defer this need to another time? What if I can detach from the attachment being used against me? What if I take the power right out of this need by somehow eliminating the need from my life right now? Can I depower this other person? Can I take their power away by controlling my needs?

Depowerment is withdrawal. It is the act of eliminating power by controlling needs.

We can deny. We can give the need up. It may be something we can truly live without. It may be something that is not so important after we give it some thought.

We can displace. We can choose something else. We can replace the need with some other way to satisfy what is compelling us.

We can defer. We can wait. We can use a little self restraint and be willing to get what we want later.

We can detach from those things, ideas and people we feel so attached to. It may require some significant thought and realignment of our beliefs. It may show itself to be more aligned with our beliefs. We can free ourselves from the unnecessary connection to things.

This is the depowerment of our needs. It is the depowerment of our relationships. It is the depowerment of our lives.

How would a life without power dynamics feel?

Choices. Lots of choices.