The End of Trust

Calvin asked me why/how does power destroy trust?

First I would suggest that you need to look at all the relationships you have had that have used power. Parents, friends, girlfriends are all likely examples.

Look back to a moment or interaction when the other person knew what you wanted or needed and used that to influence some aspect of your behaviour.

Maybe mom made you clean your room before you could use the car.

Maybe a teacher made you rewrite an essay before they would give you a passing grade.

Maybe a girfriend refused to kiss you on the first date.

These are all simple common examples of power.

But what happened to the relationship afterward...?

Did you now see it as a game? Did you come to a new perspective on how that relationship would work? Did you later question everything they asked of you? Did every interaction dissolve into a series of negotiations? Did you start to use the same techniques of demanding what you wanted before they could have what they wanted? Did you start to ask yourself what they might want in exchange before you asked them for what you wanted?

Soon you learned that Mom wants certain things and you would volunteer to clean the garage before you would even discuss going away camping with the buddies and using the car to do it.

Soon you learned what teachers want for good grades and school is no longer about learning but about how you get that teacher to give you the grade.

Soon you learned that a romantic dinner followed by a special movie and a patient gentle approach was more likely going to get you second base than simply asking.

So if that is the way it is with your close, emotional-based relationships with people you trust and entrust yourself to, imagine where relationships at work go. Imagine how business relationships evolve. Imagine how international political dynamics are manipulative and cold.

If the boss says the bathroom at the store needs to be cleaned, you begin by saying that it is not in your job description. Then next week you have your hours cut in half and you are scheduled to work the crappy shifts. So you come in late and let the boss know that if he is going to do that then you don't have to be so helpful. That night you don't clean your workstation well or you don't do the little things that he might notice but are not enough to get you in trouble. All this continues until one of you finally really needs the other's help... then real negotiation happens. Or worse, one of you finally decides that they don't need the other. You find a new job or he hires someone new and slowly phases you out.

The thing is that as soon as someone uses power on us - we notice. That usually changes the intentions regarding the way that relationship will operate. When power is used again in that relationship we start to see its nature as a power based association. Though we may not be able to articulate that or consciously see it in that way...the truth is we begin to approach it that way.

So when your Mom does something really out of the ordinary nice for you - you say "What's up Mom?"

When the girlfriend wants to be alone with you, you wonder - what's happening here?

When the boss says, "Here Cal, take Saturday off." You wonder what he is going to ask you to do.

The simple fact is that when power starts to work its way into a relationship we see everything as a negotiation and we do not see events for what they are. We start to examine them to see what they mean. This is not what you call trust...

This is what you can observe and deduce from a simple examination of your personal relationships that operate everyday in a loving caring way.

The second way is to simply use the analysis.

If people are going to use your needs to get what they want from you, then you will eventually not want to be with them. This is because the connection is constantly costing you something. If you are not getting as much or more than what you are giving you will eventuallty want out of the relationship.

Things are not what they appear to be on the surface. You know that they are looking to see what you need so they can use it for their purpose. Now you cannot trust people with your desires and attachments. You are forced to shelter your intentions. You are compelled to keep desires and needs to yourself. You become cautious in friendships. You be come quiet and withdrawn.

When you interact with others, they are emotion-less cryptic conversations. You are reticent to expose yourself. Without any deliberate effort on your part you wait to see what they want before you consider sharing what you want.

All because power uses need. And when someone uses your needs against you, you stop trusting that what they say is what they mean.

You come to learn that even those we love have needs. And they will do what they have to, to get what they want. Including using you and your needs.

Cal you do it instinctively so it doesn't appear to be a grandiose statement of mistrust. You simply begin to watch out for yourself because those around you see you as a capable guy.

The truth is that people generally act in the their own best interests in the immediate.

It is a rare person that thinks of others first and thinks long-term.

You and your friends have learned this from growing up with Baby Boomers and Gen Xer's and the world they have created. And you do it capably and without effort.

You are a quiet generation of people who do not interact with those outside their demographic. You show no emotion. You are direct in your demands. You do not trust those in authority. You feel insecure and afraid for your future but do not share that with anyone.

No, the use of power doesn't always result in hatred. But often there are people we love who we don't trust. We don't trust them because we know they use power.

When someone uses your need to get something from you, things are never the same again.