Love

I was always good at power when it came to the practice of law.

Within the context of negotiation and conflict, I was adept at isolating needs and finding abilities to get to those needs in a motivating and often, even conciliatory, way. I was able to see the whole picture so clearly. And of course my clients were happy to know I had that ability.

Having talents in power made me both money and reputation and it all seemed good.

I learned a lot about power from those situations. In those circumstances you can try different tactics and strategies and since the outcome was seldom personal in nature, I was able to overcome anger and other such emotions. Keeping a cool head, when dealing in power, is essential.

Yes the world of law, finance and business was a great place to be educated on power.

On the other hand, I learned a lot more about power from my personal life. The hardest lessons on power came from those I love and live with.

It makes sense. When you live in such a close proximity and with such integrated lives, you must expect that every decision and move impacts everyone around you. You should expect then, that those people around you are going to want to exercise some influence over those decisions and moves.

Implementing the method of need and mechanism analysis is so much harder when emotion is involved.

Anger generated by loving relationships is probably the most intense anger you will ever experience.

But in the occasional situation when I was able to see with compassion and collaboration rather than anger and competition, I could comprehend what was motivating the other’s use of power. In such cases I was able to learn a lot about power. And usually my choices resulted in greater happiness not greater animosity.

I wish I could say I was good at it. I can’t claim to be any better than anyone else. About the best I can say is that I see and understand better than most. But I don’t claim to overcome better than most.

Nothing is more of a power mechanism than love. Few mechanisms can be so intense and absolute. The results of power dynamics using love are usually extreme in their conclusion.

We have the capability to generate resistances to pain and threat; to bribe and seduction and attachment. Sometimes we can hold our own in the most terrifying of circumstances. We can cling to our intention to make a deliberate decision and we are successful in our non-compliance.

But love…now that mechanism is hard to resist.

Avoiding power is important because of its incredible ability to destroy trust. In a loving relationship it is especially important to avoid the use of power- intentional or not. The loss of trust in those cases can be fatal.

It is a good lesson to remember that when you see a loved one react to you in anger, it is because they are feeling subject your power. Whether you are trying to use it or not, it can be active. Whether you mean it or not, it is destroying the trust you hold for each other.

Remember that expecting someone you love to just submit to your requests is unrealistic. And if you are unwilling to collaborate or compromise you will find yourselves running down a road of constant power dynamics.

Love is a potent mechanism. Loving relationships are going to have power dynamics in them whether or not you want it.

Sometimes to love is to submit to power.