Question Six

Hey all
Sorry, the college got busy and I haven’t been by to finish my thoughts.
So on to Question Six…

QVI. WHAT ARE MY CHOICES?

I can comply, resist or withdraw.
It may be best for me to comply.
Some relationships require that we comply.

I can Empower myself and resist the Dynamic.
I can create power for myself by using the BiPolar Nature of the Dynamic.
Having Empowered myself I can better negotiate.

I can Depower them and withdraw from the Dynamic.
By controlling my own needs I take the ability to use power away from them.
I can deny, defer or displace my requirements and desires.
I can detach from my attachments.
I can depower my needs.

I can combine these in anyway and create new Choices.
I have overcome.
I have Choices.
I can make a Choice.
I now have Power.



So question four and five have brought us to an understanding of the power dynamic we are subject to.

First we have needs that are being exploited by the Actor. We will always be subject to Requirements, Desires or Attachments that are complex, compounding and competing with each other. It is the defining character of human life. Any other person can see those needs and exploit them for the motivating power within them. Applying a mechanism – a simple ability to help or hinder those needs - will exacerbate the need and thus create a feeling of motivation - like fear, anger or excitement. As a result the Subject has an experience of Control, Influence or Seduction. It is a dynamic of power.

But that is only one half of the equation.

The reason the Actor has tried to use power, is that they have a need. They are in need of something. Maybe an action on your part. Maybe a few important words or thoughts. But whatever it is, the Actor has a need. And as with all needs, it can be utilized to create power.

All power dynamics have two sides to them. Power is always motivated by a need.

Needs are the source of all power.

So taking the time to examine the need being exploited for power over you, as well as the need which motivates the Actor to create the power dynamic, will allow you to have a complete picture of both sides of this BiPolar Power Dynamic.

Seeing it for what it is, always brings a sense of calm. What makes power so scary for most people is the almost magical effect it has. Breaking through old ideas of power to see the simple mechanical nature of it creates a feeling of ability. With the ability comes courage and determination.

Don’t use this new knowledge to start throwing your weight around. There is another step.

The purpose of power is to control, influence or seduce the choice of others.

To defeat power is to retain choice. To overcome power is to be able to make the choice you want for you, in spite of the power being exercised over, or at, you.

So before you make one – look at what they might be.

So – as you would expect – the next question is “What are my choices?”

Choices are broken into three options: compliance, resistance or withdrawal.

Sometimes it is in your own best interest to comply with the demands or wishes of the Actor. Although they may be trying to use power over you, and you have an adverse reaction to such a thing, it may be best for you to submit. The rewards that they offer in the power play may be exactly what you want, so why not comply? Really, why not?

Maybe the punishment is so harsh that you cannot bare it. Maybe complying is not so bad. Maybe the relationship is one full of this-for-that trade-offs. Maybe that’s just what is necessary to have such a relationship.

I had a wonderful dog. She was fun and beautiful and loyal. And every night at 3 am she had to go outside. It was just when she had to go. So either she suffered or I suffered. She would nuzzle her cold nose under the blankets and whine a little whine. It was the nature of my relationship with her that I had to comply. She had a need. I had a need. I could use it for power over her. Or I could accept that this was the relationship we had and to have it meant that, from time to time, I had to comply with her demands.

Sometimes compliance is the right choice.

However sometimes for good reasons - and for bad - we do not want to comply.

Knowing the power dynamic is bipolar creates the opportunity to resist. Using their need right back on them gives you the chance to negotiate the outcome.

Some call this resistance Empowerment. This is the taking back of power, or being given the power to resist the will of the Actor. Of course it is only true empowerment when it plays on the other’s need.

This is the nature of any negotiation. It is only because both sides have what each other want that either bothers to negotiate. And the sources of the power to demand such bargaining are the respective needs of the parties.

Resistance using the BiPolar nature of the power dynamic is often expected. As such it is acceptable and causes no harm. Bargaining in the marketplace is like that. Bargaining with your kids or parents is like that.

However sometimes it is not expected. In fact many people who use power do not understand this two-sided characteristic and find themselves in power plays that are actually balanced. As a result the situation demands their compliance as well as the compliance of the subject. This catches them off-guard and creates ill feelings.

It is in this process of negotiating - resisting using the other person’s need - that we begin to see the true problem with power.

Power destroys trust. When we use someone’s need as a tool against them, they seldom like us much. They usually see us as exploitative selfish manipulators. They see us as untrustworthy back-stabbers. Often the act of negotiation results in a loss of relationship. That is why all the books on negotiation focus on the idea of being impersonal and principle oriented. There is always the danger of ending the relationship when you use the other’s needs to get what you want.

Of course it appears that the options are pretty bad. I can comply – give in – submit. Sounds like the rest of my life…

Or I can get into a power struggle by resisting and using their needs. I will loose the relationship and make enemies.

There is a third choice.

This is one of those enormous things that flow from the insight of the source of power.

If the source of power is need, and the power I am experiencing is due to an ability applied to my need, what if I could control the need? What if I withdraw from the circumstance? What if I can deny my need? What if I can displace this need by accepting something else? What if I can defer this need to another time? What if I can detach from the attachment being used against me? What if I take the power right out of this need by somehow eliminating the need from my life right now? Can I depower this other person? Can I take their power away by controlling my needs?

Depowerment is withdrawal. It is the act of eliminating power by controlling needs.

We can deny. We can give the need up. It may be something we can truly live without. It may be something that is not so important after we give it some thought.

We can displace. We can choose something else. We can replace the need with some other way to satisfy what is compelling us.

We can defer. We can wait. We can use a little self restraint and be willing to get what we want later.

We can detach from those things, ideas and people we feel so attached to. It may require some significant thought and realignment of our beliefs. It may show itself to be more aligned with our beliefs. We can free ourselves from the unnecessary connection to things.

This is the depowerment of our needs. It is the depowerment of our relationships. It is the depowerment of our lives.

How would a life without power dynamics feel?

Choices. Lots of choices.