Jealousy

Just the other day I was asked by a past student,

"Where does jealousy fit into all this power stuff?"

I tried to remind him that if he is feeling angry or fearful, that is usually an indication of Power at work.

Jealousy, I suppose, is some mixture of fear and anger. Fear that you don't have what you are looking for. Anger that something is being taken away from you. It is a feeling which motivates and creates feelings of control and influence. It makes us behave positively by acting out our love for another and expressing how much we want to be with them. It motivates us negatively because we cling and behave childishly.

If it is being used intentionally we can see how someone who seeks to have their partner express their love and need for them in elaborate or extreme terms can compel the other to act in a closer more expressive fashion.

If it is being used without a power intention - it is still power - but the other person may now be upset or offended by what appears to be a question or challenge to their fidelity and loyalty.

Intentional or not, there is a power dynamic going on.

Choice is being motivated by need.

Certainly we can see a need in play.

So ask that first question in the Method - "What is my need?"

At first blush we can see a need for love, attention, affection.

Maslow and the Humanists can help us here.

When we examine the feelings of fear and jealousy we see a need related to self esteem and self worth. Everyone wants to be special to someone. Everyone wants to have someone special to them.

We see the need related to security and safety. Everyone wants to be able to trust the love of those they love. Everyone wants to know that they are not at risk of their special someone choosing someone else.

We can see how the withdrawal of love or the ability to withdraw love can be forceful. Especially if we attach our own self worth to their choice to give or withhold attention. Why do we feel at risk when someone we love gives extra attention to another?

The Mechanism shows us more. The other partner has the ability to give their attention and love to anyone. They have the ability to reassure us that we are the principle player in their lives. They have the ability to withhold that assurance. Their decision to give their attentions to another combined with our need to know we are the apple of their eye creates a dissonance we see as power.

When we try to categorize the need, we see that our need has many aspects to it. We have the requirement to be loved. Add to that an attachment to our modern view of monogamy. Our attachment to the ideas which dictate how romantic relationships should be lived. And most of all, an attachment to another person. Attachments are very much about our view of how we and the world around us, are supposed to be.

We have the basic desire to be someone's special love. We may have the simple desire to be with that person. Spend time. Talk. Make love. Be together. That need is being challenged.

It may be complex in that we think that love must have attention and a clear statement of commitment.

It may be compounded by past experiences of lost loves. It may be compounded by the number of people who take our loved one away from us.

It may be competing with the love you have for others. It is very common for one spouse to be jealous of their own child's time with the other parent. For a child to be jealous of a sibling who is better able to gain the favor of a parent. You may still want the sibling to be loved but right now you want the attention. Your need for this attention and love competes with your desire that the others, who are robbing you of your share, get the attention they need.

In summary you can see the dynamic.

The other person (intentionally or not) is using your need (healthy or not) for their attention to motivate you to act in a way that captures their attention (in a good way or bad).

You can then ask - "What is their Need?"

If it is an unintentional application of power, maybe they need you to support their efforts in giving a child or other loved one the attention they need. Supporting them in spite of the way it makes you feel insecure and unloved. Supporting them in spite of the needs you are experiencing.

If it is an intentional use of power, maybe they need you to actively capture their attention because they are using jealousy to get your attention. Maybe they need to have you express your attachment to them because they are feeling their attachment to you. Maybe they too have a need just like yours related to self esteem and security. Maybe they are needing attention and affirmation and affection. All of this a combination of requirements and attachments.

Now seeing the needs you can ask - "What are my choices?"

You can comply - give them the love or support that you see them needing.

Do you see the value in asking about their needs? Do you see how the power dynamic is always bipolar and some of the best strategies for response will come from understanding the other's need. In some cases the application of power is not intentional. It is innocent and inadvertent. By examining their need you can see past your own feelings of control and influence and see the interplay of two sets of needs.

Even if it is intentional by seeing the other person a someone with needs that are motivating the behavior that creates power on you, you can see the child of their heart. You may decide that it is best for everyone if you just give in to the power you are feeling and comply with the wishes of the other.

This is the beginning of compassion.

Still you can resist. Knowing that the other has needs you can use them. If they are using power unintentionally you can still try to change their behavior.

You can play on their love for you. You can tell them how you should come first. You can play up your hurt and blame them for your ill feelings. They need to see themselves as loving people. They are attached to you and to that same world view of how "love should be." You can use their needs to grab their attention and love.

If the power is intentional you can play the same game back. You can test and see who needs who more. Use their need by refusing to give attention. Play it out that you not only don't need their attention but you can get all the attention you need elsewhere. You can use their needs against them. Withhold your love and insist that they come to you.

Maybe they will...

Be careful - remember power destroy trust. This is the fast track to a power-based untrusting relationship that will have to end for the good of both of you.

Finally you have the big choice - Withdrawal - depowerment.

Defer your need for gratification. I will get lots of love and attention later.

Displace - there are many fish in the sea. I am a great person who will find that someone out there loves me and will give me all the attention I need.

Deny - I am strong person who does not need others to tell me I am wanted. I am able to get the attention I need in a lot of ways from a lot of people. This situation does not matter.

Detach - I do not see my self-worth in the eyes of others. I do not need other people - I chose to enjoy them and have varying degrees of intimacy with many people. I do not need to act in the way other people act in relationships. I can conduct myself in my life view. I will be fine whether this person shows me attention or not. I can simply accept what love and attention they give me for what it is not what I think it should be.

Do you see the true power in depowerment? Do you see that happiness does not lie in our ability to control others but in our ability to control ourselves?

Jealousy like any other feeling of power is just a feeling. It is an illusion that exists in our own head. If we can overcome our need to be attached to someone else, then the power disappears.