A student of mine asked me – actually a number of them have – does it make you happy or sad to know so much about power?
It seems that as my students begin to recognize the various power dynamics in their lives and take notice of who those power actors are, they become sad and upset. It seems that they weren’t aware of the amount of power that is involved in raising them, schooling them, protecting them and generally socializing them. They never thought that their own parents would use power over them.
More shocking however is when they recognize how much they use power over their friends and loved ones. It causes them to question themselves and ask themselves if they are bad. There is an instinctive reaction to power that most people have. Most of us are predisposed to see power as a bad thing. Not really clear why we see it that way, we are intuitively judgmental of it.
So when we discover we are an active frequent user of power we are taken back. We are even more surprised when we realize that in the past we have taken pride in our ability to stand up to others and manipulate the circumstance so that we are the victors in various battles of will.
And that is what it is really. It is a battle of will. The ability to overcome our own needs long enough to triumph over others.
Can we, within a BiPolar power dynamic, control our submission to our own needs enough to force the other to submit?
And this makes us wonder if we are bad people.
Not all power needs to be seen as bad.
My favorite harmless example was a drinking game my friends and I used to play.
We would choose our table at the pub close to the washrooms. Then we would all put $2 in the middle. On big nights it was $5. We ordered the first round of beers. We would only order the next round when everyone was finished the last. The last one to go to the washroom to pee won the money.
Usually Al would cave in first. He talked big at the beginning but he always said, once the tap is turned on there is no going back.
Although Frank would hang in there, he had more fun watching us suffer than winning the money so he would go after the third beer.
At this point we would start the posturing and positioning. We would smile and lie and poke at each other. We would tell really funny jokes to make the others wet their pants.
Paul wanted to win. But the strength of will aspects of this were the important thing to him. He was usually satisfied breaking his own personal record and off he went to the loo.
Steve and I would be left to go head to head. He was motivated not by any personal goal but by the desire to beat me. Anything to beat me. He’d try eating peanuts. He would try sitting in different positions. He would try standing up.
As soon as he started moving around I knew I had him.
All I had to do was convince him that I didn’t have to go yet. I would tell him that I hadn’t even begun to feel it yet. I would tell him not to hurt himself because I was probably good for another 45 minutes after I started feeling it and I wasn’t even there yet. So he should expect to have to hold it for another hour.
At this point Frank and Al and Paul would have gone three or four times and they would do their best to mock and play it up. Making fun and talking about ice cold swimming pools and warm baths, and how comfortable they were. They would want to order more beer and tell Steve and I to hurry up and drink up. Steve would have slowed down to a crawl by now.
Then I would do the nasty.
I told Steve it was time for a little chug a lug because I knew it wasn’t fair that I was not feeling it yet. – Bottoms Up!
Then Steve would start the name calling.
Finally he would utter some profanity and stand up to go to the washroom. The boys would cheer. Steve would shake my hand and head off to do his business.
I would let him go in the door and then count to twenty – they were the longest twenty seconds of my life. Just long enough to know he was already in progress.
And then I would run as fast as I could to the bathroom ready to explode.
Steve and I would stand side by side with him calling me names and angry that he fell for it again.
We would come out laughing. At this point the other tables around us knew what we were doing and we would get a cheer when we reemerged.
And no matter who won, the winner would use the money to buy another round.
Power can be fun.
I know it is hard to see how people manipulate and control each other. I know it is hard to see ourselves as people who would use someone’s needs as means to control them. I know that it is hard to see people in a positive light knowing that many have spent their lives pursuing power and wanting to have power over others.
I know that once you understand the process of power, it is hard to see past it.
But people just don’t know better. It is something we have done for so long.
And that is why it is time for a change. Time for an evolution. Time to become more. It is time to bring the age of power to an end and begin the age of compassion. So I offer you the understanding so that you might see through your reality to the truth and begin to do something about it. If once everyday you can choose to use compassion over power…
Well I think you have done a pretty good thing. I don’t expect much more of myself.
Am I sad?
No.
I am determined.
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